Editor's Note: This is the first WTB post for my good friend Ben. He is hilarious, and has been so gracious as to offer to write some stories "From Out of Right Field" from time to time. Treat him nice, and enjoy.
Recently, Michael Witte wrote a little piece for Editor & Publisher entitled “Exclusive: Barry Bonds’ Home Run Record Tainted by Mechanical Device?” in which he argues that Bonds owes at least some of his success to the giant protective pad which he wears on his right elbow. I applaud Witte for his efforts in exposing this instance of an athlete using a mechanical device to improve his game. However, why stop there, I ask? Witte, like the rest of the media, has ignored the most blatant of all machine-wielding offenders. What I am going to say next may shock some readers, so if you are easily offended, you may want to cover your eyes for this next part.
Let me repeat that: Michael Jordan should be stricken from the record books.
“But Ben,” you are probably saying right now, “I have never seen His Airness doing anything that would give him an unfair advantage in a game of basketball. Just who the hell do you think you are, going around saying these things about one of the greatest sports legends to ever grace this earth?”
To which I will respond thusly. No matter what anybody tells you, Michael Jordan did enjoy an unfair mechanical advantage. I am sick and tired of people looking the other way, refusing to acknowledge the sheer magnitude of his advantage. I am sickened by the silence of the mainstream media on this issue. I simply cannot bear it any longer. If nobody else is going to say it, I will—Michael Jordan is a cyborg.
There. I said it. Robotic implants have incalculably improved his abilities on the court. If Barry Bonds is going to be given an asterisk for his unfair advantage, MJ needs an entire pile of them. You have all seen him play. There is no way any human being can do the things that Mike can do.
“But Ben,” I hear you saying again, “Michael’s greatness comes solely from hard work and natural talent—not from some self-regulating integration of artificial and natural systems. There is nothing robotic about him.”
To which I reply: Bull!
I have seen the schematics. Hydraulic servos in his arms and legs give him inhuman speed, strength and agility. A hidden jetpack allows for dazzling displays of aerial acrobatics. Enhanced tactical sensors in his fingertips give unparalleled ball control. He has retinal implants that instantly calculate distances and angles which lend uncanny accuracy in shooting and passing. The reason he sticks his tongue out when dunking is because he has a micro-radar system mounted in there which guides his dunks straight to the basket. Telescoping arms make rebounding a snap. Self-recharging dual lithium-SOCl2 batteries give him a near-infinite supply of energy. Strategically placed synthetic diamond cooling heat sinks ensure a near-constant internal temperature. Artificial vocal cords can mimic any voice—frequently confusing opponents into giving away turnovers. Tank treads in his feet simply roll over anybody in his way while an alpha wave emitter in his knee emits a referee-confusing beam—eliminating any possibility of having a foul called against him. Special telepathy nodes in his brain let him read the other teams’ thoughts, enabling him counter their every move. Laser beam eyes vaporize any opponents who are foolish enough to even think about stealing a ball. Every part of him is modular and made of readily available, interchangeable parts—which make for easy maintenance, repair and replacement—even while on the road. Still don’t believe me? Then answer me this—why do you think the Bulls kept Dennis Rodman around for so long? His only purpose was to keep people from noticing the glowing ‘standby’ light on the back of Michael’s head.
Any way you look at it, Robo-Jordan enjoys an unfair advantage and is unstoppable on the court. For this, all of his ‘achievements’ should be stricken from the record books. He even has a built-in AM/FM radio with cassette deck and in-trunk six CD changer. My car doesn’t even have that.
It simply isn’t fair.
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